X-Factor Analysis And Predictions

Fifth Week: Club Classics


First things first, let's face up to the facts: X-Factor is getting poor.   Very, very poor.  Couple this with the fact that the so-called great British public can't see a great singer if it hit them in the face with a microphone (how the hell were Misha B and Sophie in the bottom two last week?) and The Urbanite's hopes for this years contest is slowly fading like Louis Walsh's hairline.

Despite this, we still cannot bring ourselves to switch over and watch Strictly Come Dancing.  Which means that we have another week's installment of our X-Factor analysis and predictions.  It was club week this week, which usually brings great tracks.  Usually.


1. Johnny


Last week, Johnny actually surprised everyone and, singing a ballad, sounded like a proper, serious contestant.  This week, Louis reverts to type and makes the old man sing a combination of Madonna's 'Hung Up' and 'You Spin Me Round' through his nose.  It sounds awful and reminds The Urbanite just why Johnny was so hated in the first place.  Contestants like Johnny are what are bringing the programme down, and one hopes the annoying old sod is voted off this week, for all our sakes. Terrible 2/10

2. Janet


Every week I have complained that, though Janet has a good, unique recording voice, she fails to really excite fans due to her lack of fun and movement on the stage.  So you could imagine the pleasure that I had upon hearing that she was going to sing 'I Want You Back', dressed up like an actual teenager.  Now, take that pleasure and dump it in the bin like Vince Cable's constituency letters because this was awful.  Not only did she forget her lyrics and look terrified on stage, she moved around the place like it was the first time she had ever taken steps in her life.  Which makes me wonder, maybe she should not ever try and dance around the stage, because it does not suit her.  Probably her worst performance to date, and she will be in serious trouble come Sunday night.  Poor 3/10

3. Craig


Craig has been getting better every week and is slowly becoming one of our favourite contestants.  This week, he surpasses all our expectations and pulls off a stunning all singing, all dancing performance with his own version of 'Heaven'.  Not only does it sound great, but Craig seems like such a genuine guy that you can't help but smile when he performs.  Great performance, best of the night so far.  Which, to be fair, was not hard 9/10

4. The Risk


In breaking news this week, no one left The Risk.  Which, by their standards, is definitely something to write home about.  Despite last week's average performance, The Risk still seem like a band that can win the X-Factor.  Singing 'A Night To Remember' with an urban twist, the boys do a lot better than last week despite a slow start when their harmonies were not on point.  Most impressive was Derry's rap, which gives them an edge over other boy bands like The Wanted and JLS.  The Risk will be safe for another week.  Good performance 8/10

5. Marcus


Club classics week was made for Marcus 'Mr Consistent' Collins, who on the basis of popularity and talent is easily the favourite for this year's competition.  The great thing about the guy is how he reinvents himself every week, and this week he takes us back to the 70's with a great rendition of 'Reet Petite', which usually sounds annoying and Karaoke like when sung on a talent show but works really well with Marcus.  There's no point really writing more about the guy, because on form like this he is walking his way into the final.  Good 9/10

6. Kitty


If mid-week newspaper stories are to be believed, the wacky world of Kitty took a turn for the worse this week as she apparently racially abused Derry.  Can't expect Tulisa bringing that one up after this performance, however, because she isn't worried about Kitty actually winning this show. Though, on the strength of her voice, Kitty should be able to be a leading contestant. If she wasn't so God-damn annoying.  This week, she sings 'Like A Prayer' and, again, does a relatively good job of it.  If she continues to put in performances such as this, she could go far.  But her personality is a major factor and, frankly, it stinks.  So expect Kitty to be in the bottom three 7/10

7. Frankie


Frankie does not deserve to be in this show.  He is shit, he cannot sing, he cannot dance, and he has an ego bigger than the chip on Tulisa's shoulder.  So quite how he got more votes than Sophie and Misha B last week is anyone's guess.  If you thought last week's outing was bad, then you are not ready for how bad Frankie's singing is this week.  If you can even call that singing.  All he does is shout 'I gota feelin'' in his mock cockney accent, sounding like a complete prick, and rightfully gets booed by the audience afterwards.  Seriously, if the guy is not voted out this week, then I will stop this blog.  Not just the predictions, but the entire blog.  Remember I said it.  Awful, frigging awful 0/10

8. Misha B


I know it has been said about twice before, but seriously, why on earth was Misha B in the bottom two last week.  Yes, she may be getting arrogant, but isn't that what we want from our artists?  A bit of swag?  A sprinkle of that stardust?  Misha is the closest thing we have in this show to a genuine world star, yet somehow the public can't bring it on themselves to vote for her.  This week, she sings 'Proud Mary' in an attempt to show us that she is fun, happy and definitely not a bully.  And it doesn't really work.  I mean it is good, but gone is the confidence, swagger and rap that made Misha the favourite in the early weeks.  Slightly worried for Misha, even though her performance was ten times better than the likes of Frankie and Janet.  Which means she will still be in the bottom two. Ok, but not great 7/10

9. Little Mix


Are Little Mix the first girlband to make it to week 5?  If so, then well done girls.  Not like they have not deserved it.  Each week they have sounded good, performed well and kept themselves out of the limelight enough to not generate any negativity that usually attracts girls.  Singing 'Please don't Stop the Music' this week, the girls do not sound too great to be honest, but do just about enough to please the audience and judges.  Good without being fantastic, the girls would be safe any other week, but maybe not on a double eviction week.  Average 7/10

After the debacle that was last week, this week was slightly better.  Craig and Marcus continued their good progress in the competition, and The Risk, Misha B and Little Mix all staked their claim for why they should remain in the competition.  There were, however, some major failures and the final three should be a mixture of Johnny, Janet and Frankie.  Johnny and Frankie will lose the sing off, leaving Janet to go back to doing what she does best and singing boring ballads.  Johnny and Frankie to go